So I thought I would just write a little post, also to have a little rant as much as anything.
I’ve never been one of those women who brags about how amazing her child is at sleeping through, or how much of a good eater they are, or so on and so forth. Yes, I am known to blow my own trumpet if I feel I have cracked something particularly difficult with regards to William, I think anyone else would be the same, parenting is bloody hard work.
I am also partial to be a bit of a moaning Myrtle. You can often find me on Instagram stories giving it big licks about some ridiculous thing William has done now, or how he’s refusing to eat his lunch, blah blah blah.
But I feel like I just need to let off some steam. I have always said I would be completely honest on this blog, and so here it goes.
I’m bloody struggling at the moment.
William is 1 in a week (exactly). Since I have started working again and he has started at his nursery, his sleep has really suffered. Now, granted he has been quite a good sleeper, he generally sleeps the majority of the night with maybe a couple of whinges or whines or us needing to go in and change him (seriously this kid pisses for England). But he has generally been ok.
Up until now. He is waking several times in the night, for seemingly nothing. He is standing in his cot, screaming blue bloody murder. I change him, cuddle him, offer him a drink of water, give him a dummy (he has a habit of throwing them out of his cot), give him any medicine if I feel he needs it for teething, and he seems to settle when we are having a cuddle. Then I put him in his cot and it all begins again. Last night he cried from around 12.45am until gone 3am. I even brought him into my bed, thinking he would settle because he was close to me. It didn’t work. I was crying, he was crying, I’m surprised we didn’t both drown the amount of tears that were being shed. Cry me a River springs to mind. The only thing that settled him in the end was milk. Now I know this may sound harsh, however I am not in the habit of giving him milk in the night, I (personally) don’t feel he needs it, he has 1 bottle a day and that suits him just fine. But last night I was at the end of my tether and just wanted to sleep.
It’s not the first time he’s been inconsolable. He was like it 2 days ago, and also a couple of times last week. Now I’m not stupid and didn’t come down with yesterday’s shower of rain, I know that babies wake through the night, however it was just so out of character for him. And it’s heartbreaking when you can’t help them, and they can’t tell you what the matter is.
But also it’s mega bloody frustrating. I’ve found myself recently being victim to the old witch that is “mum guilt” about William going to nursery, as he wasn’t great the first day I sent him (I promise I’ll do a post about this as soon as I pull my head out of my arse) and how it may have affected his sleep.
I’ve also been finding it difficult as Norms has been working away a lot, so I’ve been dealing with these instances on my lonesome. Everything I seem to do for William seems to be wrong. I can’t seem to soothe him. He gets frustrated at me because he can’t tell me what he wants, and I don’t know what it is that he wants half the time.
Why don’t I know what he wants? Why can’t I be like these “Instamums” who seem to have their shit together? Why can’t I have a husband who comes home at 6pm and takes over from me, and lets me have a bath and wash my hair and moisturise, rather than me having to get a shower whilst yelling “don’t touch that!” “William where are you?” “Don’t pull the shower curtain!” And get out having only shaved one leg? Why does William keep waking in the night? Why can’t I soothe him, he’s my baby, surely I should know what is the matter with him? Why doesn’t he let me sleep? Why won’t he eat his lunch? Why does he not laugh for me as he does for Norms, when Norms doesn’t soothe him or feed him or comfort him for 80% of the week?
I find myself going round and round in circles, making myself upset, thinking I’m not good enough,I’m a shitty mum, William doesn’t like me, everyone judges me for being a shit mum, I’m not finding it easy therefore I can’t be a natural.. and today has been one of those days. I know that I’m not on my own, and I really must just say thank you to everyone who takes the time to message me when they have watched my Instagram stories (where 98% of the time I look like a bog rat in a Next dressing gown) and have given me advice or just sent some kind words. I really do appreciate it and it doesn’t go unnoticed.
It’s hard not to beat yourself up about it I guess. And I suppose it makes us all normal. I just needed to have a bit of a babble and let off some steam. I’m sure it’s just a phase and once the teeth pop their little selves through and we get into more of a routine with nursery and work etc, that it will all fall into place.
And if not? Well then we’re fucked.